where is my place? where can i rest?

absolutely lost

in images i can barely see
but i can almost

almost feel

I had a thought. Then

I had another. 

What if I tried this

but I should have tried the other?

I'd like this to flow from my fingertips with ease.

the sun sets quickly here.

one minute it is high in the sky and you fear
that night will never come and then-
the sky sighs and closes its eyes and we watch the moon rise.
over blue lake
and naked tree
and frost.

There's a song that reminds me of you. Not one that we listened to together; in fact, I doubt you've ever heard it. It's not by a band for whom we share a love and the lyrics aren't extremely profound.

There is a lot that can be said about relationships and love. People choose to be with other people for so many reasons. Sometimes it's about convenience or loneliness. Sometimes, if you're lucky and if you work damn hard, it isn't. Sometimes there is as much 'despite' as 'because'.

You challenge me to be a better person. You do it consciously by pushing me and encouraging me, and you do it unconsciously by being different from me and forcing me to consider someone else. You are both persistent and relaxed, social and shy, trusting and skeptical. So much about you sparks joy in my heart but there are many moments when I am so frustrated that I almost expect cartoon smoke to be shooting from my ears.

I suppose this is what a real relationship is like. Back and forth and up and down, each time choosing to see what we love over what we hate. Trying to accept and accommodate the one we are with without losing ourselves in the process. There are most definitely times when I lay awake long after I've closed my eyes, agonizing over the pros and cons and asking myself if I can really trust you with my heart. But past all the stuff and nonsense, there is one thing I can't walk away from.

There is a song that reminds me of you; of something you are that captures my attention. Of sometimes you said to me.

I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel alive.
                                          I love seeing you like that.

we're plagued by the idea that we've lost our freedom, and in light of that, ourselves.

But my journey is mine.

so I'll mark this blank page



and press on.

Sleepless night.
4am is probably not the best time to be making life decisions. Or maybe it is exactly the best time.

I stand still, counting and counting. Watching and breathing and weighing. Vowing and sighing and 
Trying and trying and trying and trying
"Why aren't you even trying? It's like you don't even want to change."

I'm afraid I see it in her eyes. Quite as deep as when I see it in mine.

How could I not be happy?