where is my place? where can i rest?

absolutely lost

in images i can barely see
but i can almost

almost feel

I had a thought. Then

I had another. 

What if I tried this

but I should have tried the other?

I'd like this to flow from my fingertips with ease.

the sun sets quickly here.

one minute it is high in the sky and you fear
that night will never come and then-
the sky sighs and closes its eyes and we watch the moon rise.
over blue lake
and naked tree
and frost.

There's a song that reminds me of you. Not one that we listened to together; in fact, I doubt you've ever heard it. It's not by a band for whom we share a love and the lyrics aren't extremely profound.

There is a lot that can be said about relationships and love. People choose to be with other people for so many reasons. Sometimes it's about convenience or loneliness. Sometimes, if you're lucky and if you work damn hard, it isn't. Sometimes there is as much 'despite' as 'because'.

You challenge me to be a better person. You do it consciously by pushing me and encouraging me, and you do it unconsciously by being different from me and forcing me to consider someone else. You are both persistent and relaxed, social and shy, trusting and skeptical. So much about you sparks joy in my heart but there are many moments when I am so frustrated that I almost expect cartoon smoke to be shooting from my ears.

I suppose this is what a real relationship is like. Back and forth and up and down, each time choosing to see what we love over what we hate. Trying to accept and accommodate the one we are with without losing ourselves in the process. There are most definitely times when I lay awake long after I've closed my eyes, agonizing over the pros and cons and asking myself if I can really trust you with my heart. But past all the stuff and nonsense, there is one thing I can't walk away from.

There is a song that reminds me of you; of something you are that captures my attention. Of sometimes you said to me.

I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel alive.
                                          I love seeing you like that.

we're plagued by the idea that we've lost our freedom, and in light of that, ourselves.

But my journey is mine.

so I'll mark this blank page



and press on.

Sleepless night.
4am is probably not the best time to be making life decisions. Or maybe it is exactly the best time.

I stand still, counting and counting. Watching and breathing and weighing. Vowing and sighing and 
Trying and trying and trying and trying
"Why aren't you even trying? It's like you don't even want to change."

I'm afraid I see it in her eyes. Quite as deep as when I see it in mine.

How could I not be happy?

love is an idiot,
far from in and out we fall.
while stars shine we'll fight in
deepest heart to heart to heart again.
to heart again.
to love again.
to love - again.

When I look at you, I see in Colour:

she sees their hearts in Colour
mysterious or bright
a richest Red, unafraid of fire and lit by beauty
or deep Blue- exotic, determined, quiet

of their stories, she spoke aloud
knowing more than she knew
thoughtful reflection of their souls
in a classroom in a corner of a city.

there was a girl, bright shades of Pink
bubbly and full of tales,
another of soft-spoken, girlish independence
Pink too, but of make-up and skirts on sale,

emerald Green, graceful and warm
a heart of open hope and rest,
calm Brown and lively Orange, together at peace
forthcoming and genuine and cheerful,

or White, clean as the unfathomable cheeks of a geisha
a girl well able to rule herself,
and one of proud Purple, strong
earnest, and in life wishing health and wealth,

and there was a heart in capable Yellow, luminesce
and she could choose to choose her place
one more, Crimson fight and chin lifted in spirit,
proven, she knew she could win rat's race,
so around this room, airy with nerves and dreams
with desire and ambition on every face--

she spoke their hearts in colour, reveal
to break their ice and let them gab.
on the doormat, wipe your heel,
and girls, welcome to nab.

kiss my hair. wrap your arms around me. cradle my heart. promise me nothing.

winter strength, frost and stretch,
colds winds gusting,
jeans and boots keep out wet,
chills and rusting,
fires, toasted marshmallows,
no need to go,
outside, silver moon and crisp,
and fresh, soft snow.

ripped pages, torn papers wrenched from hands white with desperation and shame
I'd hide my heart from you.
But I don't know that I should.
And I don't know that I could.

These are candid, my thoughts.
Honest, without pretence.
But sitting quietly, unobtrusively
Perhaps you'll never find them.

a warm wind wraps around my heart,
rippling river, twinkling stars, chalk art,
a hollow wooden body, tuned metal strings,
his voice wends its way through the night as he sings,

ain't no sun sign, and my voice meets his chorus,
from our hearts, but he sings for us,
and i take a breath, deep and slow,
and let my soul rest; for now that's all i need to know .

She stopped. She said to me,
I'm waiting for the punchline.
For the rubber band to snap.
For that moment of awakening,
When love runs out and reality kicks back in.

I keep expecting to wake up,
The dream to be over, the paper cup to crumble.
When I find him with another and remember:
his heart was just on loan.
And everything about me was a lie.

so, while the world fades from control
I ask myself whence love arose
if never from this dream I wake
I could not ever ease this ache

as in the words of Billy Joel
and so it goes, and so it goes
because this choice is mine to make
then you can have this heart to break.

and for a moment there, I lost my breath.. just for a second.

Instead, I cry at night.