prose.

2012-01-31T21:10:00.003+11:00

teetering on the edge of hope, hoping she'll fall in the right direction.

will my heart rally? i hope so.

2012-01-31T03:17:00.001+11:00

What does my heart matter? Tell me.

2012-01-31T02:03:00.004+11:00

that's genuine fear that has filled my eyes
the kind for which one cannot simply apologize
that which in my heart had begun to rise
-seems to have fallen flat.

a future, lit bright with promise and joy
and hope, excitement like over a new toy
-has evaporated.

where has it gone?
is it for good?
what does this mean?
for us? for good?

does love have anything left to give?
any last rally? any fight?
a reason, a reason to let it live?
any call to leave love alight?

fight back. fight, love. fight for this.
fight for future, for present, for chances otherwise missed.
fight, heart. dont lay down and die.
fight. fight. fight hard. fight. this is my cry.

fight.
jaz, fight.

2012-01-24T11:46:00.000+11:00

i wrote you a letter that you'll probably never read.
i sang you a song that you'll probably never hear.
i kissed you. did you notice?
do you notice?

2012-01-24T02:15:00.001+11:00

What I need for you to do is chase me. Don't let me block you out. Show me that I'm worth the effort. Pursue my heart and you may win my all.

2012-01-24T01:32:00.004+11:00

you're for real, arent you. you're not just pretending. you arent just looking for a bit of action; im not just another. you don't need to say anything; im not trying to make you fall in love. but you're for real. arent you?

it's not a notch im seeking. not an education. i dont require training or more experience. what im looking for is belief. is hope. i want to be able to believe again. im not trying to blackmail your heart or elicit emotions that arent there. all i want to know is

2012-01-23T22:16:00.001+11:00

i dont think i ask for too much. just enough. just enough.

2012-01-23T21:39:00.001+11:00

sometimes it's easier not to breathe.

2012-01-17T18:17:00.001+11:00

i'd like to be magnanimous
to give and forgive
i'd buy you the whole world
if you wanted-

2012-01-17T18:16:00.000+11:00

she was afraid, she guessed, of those around her. and who was she, really? to lay her soul bare and clear, on offer in quiet almost hope. more attractive, easier, to riddle and rhyme and mumble and smile and escape accountability. perhaps there are two types. of artists. those discovering and those presenting. most definitely she was the former over the latter.

-

holding steady
going steady
really ready?
quiet medley
hearts are deadly
deep and steadly
no hope. stop.

2012-01-17T18:13:00.001+11:00

could in agonising patience she wait
when faith dictates forever
with chipped purple nails
and the roar of outside, outside
where to escape
she'll wait.

2012-01-17T14:04:00.003+11:00

eyes clarion of blue, green
perhaps grey, framed by old smiles
strength and integrity and truth
soft, beat softly, my heart

amongst breath, you'll find me
twisted quiet and shyly waiting
breathless admission, fragile silence
hold, please protect my heart

honest embrace with steeled arm
gentle, trusted, safe
ignore all stuff and nonsense-
content, content, my heart.

2012-01-10T21:34:00.000+11:00

Time, I guess, to write again.

But herein lies the issue: how?
And not how as in, how do I type or how do I wield a pen or even how do I call myself to arms as a writer. But how as in.. what form will my exploration take today?

Said.
I am not afraid to create. Nor do I fear never being heard. I fear looking at my writing and
being disappointed.

Perhaps to grow as "someone that likes to call themselves someone that writes" I need to focus. To write a purpose.

Purpose:

This is my call to writing. There's something that needs to be said.

It's something I can't escape.
Every other breath, I hear something that glints in the light and sparks for my attention. A lyric clearly confused for clarity. Morphemes moved for motivation and challenge. Something someone says that is just a little catching. Breathtaking. Cute.

My greatest hesitation is that I will try too hard. That I'll end up one of those writers; you know those that deliberately frame contrast, that are obviously seeking to confuse and imagine and say something that has never before been said. I mean, that's nice. But too much of life is about trying too hard and it's not something I agree with wholeheartedly nor with all of my heart. It is, for me, to seek to say simply. Invocation and inception and lilt. To not

be obvious.

I'll take a deep breath.

You know what I'd like to capture? That moment; the one in the sunlight. The one at the end of your sigh, when you open your eyes and really look for a second. With the grass, the smell of fresh ground coffee, the six strings resonating softly in a chord of accord. Of content. Of Promise.
It's not necessarily happy, that moment. It's both quiet and cacophonic; a little bright and yet heavy with earthquakes and thunder. And it's rare, we see, but always sort of there. Underneath. Underneath it all.

That's the moment I'd like to capture. All of them. Freeze-framed, lit with still harmony and lifted melody and sand and breeze and the slight smell of sunscreen.

2012-01-06T16:45:00.001+11:00

her mind as busy as the street from whence she walked
an easy afternoon whiled in sunlight and wishes
fresh, fair and bright and hopeful
youth sweet, love soft and new

her quiet heart, gently beating
her precious hand to hold
dormant dreams, desires forsaken
reawakened
rife with reason

the question; assumed unanswered-
alight my heart
come, soothe my soul.

2011-12-28T01:43:00.002+11:00

anything not had easily is hardly worth having at all.

right?

weddings.

2011-12-22T02:32:00.003+11:00

a long silk gown
veil of chiffon lace
coiffed hair
an example of amazing grace

sleek, strong in grey
warm eyes, kind heart
sure gaze
even death cannot do you part

2011-12-22T02:31:00.004+11:00

sometimes, the beauty of the journey
is the most beautiful place of all
sometimes, the beauty of the journey
is in the many times you fall

sometimes, the beauty of the journey
is hard to see but worth a try
sometimes, the beauty is the journey
and sometimes, that's all you need to fly

2011-12-22T02:30:00.001+11:00

a dream is a wish your heart makes
like Cinderella dared to sing
giggling, sunbleached, listening to waves break
or soft, white snow gently falling

a song, new to ears, fresh from heartache
honest whispers, easy laughter, a diamond ring
your dream is a wish my heart makes
love is a many-splendoured thing

2011-12-14T11:53:00.001+11:00

love

2011-12-12T17:27:00.001+11:00

i asked the world not to betray my heart. i asked him for mercy.
i asked the world to leave me safe. for his compassion.
i asked the world for a song. one i could hum to myself when i was alone.
i asked and i asked.

2011-12-09T02:58:00.001+11:00

love takes too much.
how do i get him to hear me?
im frightened.

2011-12-06T00:47:00.001+11:00

I'm at the door of my life.
Where to from here?

2011-11-02T03:02:00.004+11:00

Honey, let your red heart show.
- Red Heart, Hey Rosetta!

2011-10-25T02:13:00.001+11:00

Katie was eating.Again. Lately by this time of night Katie had been home from work for 3 or 4hours and there was rarely a moment when she wasn’t munching on something. Anything,really. One night she boiled half a dozen eggs and ate just the whites. Tonightit was just a box of Shapes, the new ones with the fancy flavours. Not that itmattered.

Lacey stroked her hairas she walked past the kitchen table, strewn with papers and boxes and amid-sized pile of dirty plates stacked neatly in front of Katie’s laptop. Shehad watched Katie tonight as she moved restlessly in and out of the kitchen.Even the quick flicking through links as she surfed Facebook. Lacey was recognizingsomething.

2011-10-11T17:17:00.001+11:00

Restless. unimpressed and overwhelmed. Fighting to be seen and to be felt.

2011-10-10T03:26:00.001+11:00

cover me with your embrace. i want to bury myself in your arms and be safe, safe from harm. the world makes me tired and sad. won't you guard my heart for me? keep me safe.

This is to be Read Aloud:

2011-10-07T02:51:00.001+11:00

you've heard that you're gifted
but does that mean you're lifted?
high above mountains, you've drifted
far beyond what man has sifted through
and torn into pieces,
leaving only remains.
remains of a world once glorious and lovely,
and then to express his love, he
reached out to touch but found
bitter.
cold.
tears.
feeling only fears, she shuffled
quickly and quietly to avoid any ruffled
feathers and unhappy demeanour.
perhaps you have seen her?
she cries on street corners and cold stairs, in parking lots
wrapped in sheets torn, her bald pair of shoes that not
only hurt her but no longer protect her. a metaphor.

to continue trying without succeeding is a fool's game
but did anyone ever tell you that to try is to aim?
even higher than those around you can ever claim
to reach, to work for the acclaim
and then to see the results, to reap the rewards of work well done
and have some fun,
to be like one of those creatives types
who write
and wear what they want to,
have tattoos and say what they want to,
but after this, the conclusion i must come to
is this:
that to write and sing and dance and dream,
i must, first, sleep.

2011-10-05T00:29:00.002+11:00

I'm afraid of you.
I know it's silly but it's also true.

2011-09-19T23:40:00.001+10:00

Love, be just around the corner,
Don't be too far away.
Love, kiss me when I least expect it,
Surround me in your embrace.

Love, guide me through every problem,
Don't leave me to fight alone.
Love, stroke my hair absent-mindedly,
See my heart and not my failures.

Love, keep me safe from any harm,
Never change your mind.
Love, surprise my soul with romance,
Teach me to trust again.

Love, I'm not afraid anymore,
I won't let myself lose hope.
Love, be just around the corner,
Don't be too far away.

2011-08-17T01:18:00.002+10:00

it's all in the interval.

Draft:

2011-08-14T04:43:00.004+10:00

He would not wait with her.

The quaint wooden coffee table and cushioned seats didn't fool her – magazines lay dusty and the faint buzzing of the air-conditioning served only to heighten the silence. Strained whispers rustled past her with an awkward cacophony of scratching paper, and the ironic shrieks of small children in the next room made her blood pulse louder in her ears as her head spun and she waited, numb except for a small itch on her left wrist that she dare not move to ease. She, as the others, watched each other from the corners of their eyes as the receptionist cheerfully greeted a couple at the front desk: “Hi! You’re the 7.30? Just have a seat, read and fill these out and bring them back to me.”

They would keep telling her it was hers to choose. But she knew better than that.

“Is she sleeping?”

She opened her eyes slowly, making sure she stayed perfectly still. She was still dizzy from the anaesthetic. Straining to hear footsteps on the carpet outside the room, she inched herself upright and reached into her bag lying open on the floor beside the bed to check the time on her phone.

One message, from her sister: “How was breakfast with John?”

Her mind hung like oil on dishwater, temporarily at uneasy rest. She stared, glassy-eyed and pale, deep into the drain of her bathroom sink as she held her hair back with one hand and wielded a toothbrush with the other. Her thoughts, detached and empty, slunk quietly through her head. I’m just brushing my teeth. It’s no big deal.

It was often that she stepped out of the shower after too long standing motionless under the scalding spray, as hot as she could stand it, wishing she would melt away. And she would put her track pants back on and know that she had to get ready to leave but instead she would sit, quiet on the floor of her room in her underwear, watching her pile of clothes like maybe something would fit her today. But if, after endless blank staring, she could muster the courage to pick something up to put on, the sight that greeted her in the mirror would knock the courage back out from her body and again she would sink to the ground while her phone began to ring and once again, she missed her deadlines.

She stared at the wall, brow furrowed, cross-legged on the bed. The blank light of her laptop monitor threw faint, cold shadows across her cheek as she sat silently. She wasn’t crying tonight. She was thinking.

Text scrolled haltingly up the screen – small, quick movements calling her attention with limited success. She wasn’t there.

There were the beginnings of an ocean on her pillow. But at least she had learned to cry silently. Her routine had been set, anyway. She would finish that day as she finished the previous – standing, shivering, hopeless and disappointed. She would ask herself to be happy, but she had given up believing in happiness. She could not be. Not until she could count them in the mirror, rib by hollow rib. And probably not even then.

She felt no outrage as he spoke. His words washed over her like acid rain, but she felt no pain. She felt nothing.

She had nothing else to offer. His hands on her wrists and his mouth over hers - as if to silence her - told her as much.

They would keep telling her it was hers to choose. But she knew better than that.

She shut her eyes.

Grit your teeth. Bite your tongue. It’s not important.

Her memory was fading in shallow breaths and vacant expression. She would try, occasionally, to recall what came before. But they had taken more than unwelcome lives that morning. And that second morning. Each morning colder than the one before. And perhaps, her hopes slurred, the next morning her body would wake just as cold.

They would keep telling her it was hers to choose. But she knew better than that.

She watched as the wind flipped rudely through her planner as if searching for something important. The pages were increasingly empty these days. Pretty though.

She could hear people passing her, close but unseeing. Their laughter, thrown like bricks to shatter her silent glass; questions not seeking an answer. These conversations had no purpose. She simply slipped through the crowd; a broken grain of sand through a bed of careless rock and no one stopped her.

Her footsteps were slowing now. Faltering. She knew but her conscious was wearing thin. She would dream and she would lie there – for now. And pretty soon, the red would fade.

They would keep telling her it was hers to choose. But she knew better than that.

Damien was pleased about taking her out for dinner tonight. She always made such an effort to dress up and even though she was always running late and he had to wait in the car in front of her house every time he picked her up, when she walked out of that door she always looked excited and amazing. Then they would head to a local restaurant and she would spend the time joking, laughing and eating even more than he could. It was refreshing to spend a little time with a girl that didn't order “just a salad, hold the dressing” and spend the meal pushing leaves around her plate.

And he didn't mind waiting while she rushed off to the bathroom right after the meal clutching her bag, because she always returned with her eyes glistening, makeup touched up and stomach almost too flat to have eaten as much as she did. Then they would go for a drink and she would always want dessert. How she stayed so thin he didn't know, but even though he knew she saw other guys, he enjoyed the heads turning and the jealous eyes of the boys he passed on the street when he was with her. The best part was that she was genuinely beautiful and fun to be around. Of course he never said that to her face, only that she was “pretty hot”. But surely she knew.

It was Friday again, Mark was exhausted and it was 5 minutes into his shift at work. Busy unpacking stock, he turned and spotted his friend, smart in her black shirt and tie, checking the To Do list on the whiteboard intensely.

‘Hey! How was your day off?’

She turned and her face transformed. Her smile was like a mask lifted off her face and pure sunshine shone out. She beamed at him.

‘Yeah, not bad! You look chipper,’ she chuckled. ‘Don’t worry, only 8hrs to go!’

Mark groaned and laughed as she literally skipped out of the room to look for the vacuum cleaner.

‘How can someone be so happy at 6:30am?’ he mumbled to himself wonderingly as he turned back to the mess of boxes.

Phil spotted her, stopped at a light on Springvale Road last Tuesday. Or at least he thought he did, because it looked like her only she looked so tired. She looked so blank and pale, but that wasn't like her at all. ‘Must not be her,’ he thought to himself as the light turned green and the car slowly took off down the street. It swerved a little, like the girl that must not have been her at the wheel was maybe drunk or falling asleep at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

Brian was her boss, but he was more like her friend. And he knew she hadn’t eaten today.

‘You’re on break, beautiful. It’s been 7 hours and you know you’ve got at least another 5 to go, so go grab something to eat!’

She fumbled in her bag and he noticed that her purse, slightly open on the table, looked odd. It looked empty, but she tucked it into her jacket pocket before he had a chance to see for sure. Black pants hanging loosely on her increasingly slim frame, she crossed her legs on the chair and pulled out a compact to powder the dark circles he suddenly noticed under her eyes. She giggled mischievously and blew her foundation at him.

‘Nah I had something before. I might get something later; I’m not hungry now anyway. And the shop is so far!’ she complained. She laughed again. ‘Maybe I’ll just ride this office chair there so I don’t have to walk,’ she joked. She flicked open the magazine in front of her.

She was meant to meet Karen at 12:30pm for lunch but it was 12:45pm and she was nowhere in sight. Not that this was an uncommon occurrence, and Karen knew that. She was always late and it was annoying as hell but at least she was consistent about it. Karen called her phone again.

Cameron found them by accident. She’d left something in her car so she let Cameron into the house and ran back to get it, and when he walked into her room he found the pamphlets tucked behind her pillows at the head of her bed. “Suggested exercises for abortion recovery.” “Symptoms of post-partum depression.”

‘None of my business, I guess,’ he muttered, confused. He turned to walk back out of her room, not seeing the tri-folded letter that had slipped to the floor beside the bed.

But one day Alice walked past the bathroom and heard some strange noises. She tried to open the door but it was locked, but after hearing the tap run for a minute, her sister opened the door and peered out.

‘Sorry, thought you were asleep.’ She smiled, eyes red and tired.

‘I heard something, are you okay?’ Alice asked, concerned. ‘Were you throwing up?’

Her eyes flickered as a shadow seemed to pass over her face, just for a split second. ‘I’m fine,’ she shrugged. ‘Just a cough or something I guess.’

Alice nodded and watched her sister shuffle back to her bedroom. She’d heard that noise more than once in the last few months when her sister brushed her teeth.

Her vision was blurry. She could make out lights and some distant echo, but aside from the cold hardness of the floor and a dull ache, her senses seemed not to be working.

They could no longer tell her it was hers to choose. It was too late, and she was so tired.

She closed her eyes again.

Alice was crying. Her sister’s friends, gathered around the hospital bed, simply stood in somber silence. In her hand, she held the doctor’s letter the termination clinic had sent through her sister to the GP, marked Confidential Referral. It was meant to be delivered unopened but she’d found it, fallen to the floor beside her sister’s bed.

“Patient Advisory:-

Initial diagnosis is Severe Clinical Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stemming from domestic abuse; Presenting suicidal tendencies; High risk of other anxiety disorders including Anorexia/Bulimia.”

Her eyes fluttered open, the pain obvious. Her face had grown pale and haggard, and there were scars on her knuckles where she’d grazed them on her teeth in her efforts to “purge”. They could see where she’d scratched marks into her wrists and the bruises on her stomach from grabbing and pinching in disgust and desperation. And there was a smudge of ink on her hand from the pen that had leaked when she collapsed, gripping desperately the worn blue book they recognized as an increasingly regular installment at her bedside the last ten years. Words etched of agony and despair that only she had read.

‘Emma.’

She shook slightly in her attempt to smile.

How could they not have seen?

2011-07-10T01:32:00.001+10:00

well, now this.. this changes everything.

2011-06-14T00:06:00.003+10:00

love makes me cry.
oh, for more reason than one.

2011-06-06T21:27:00.000+10:00

you can dunk a thousand baskets, flex all your muscles, drink all the beer in the world. but show me a little heart-

and maybe you've got my attention.

2011-05-30T00:45:00.001+10:00

and i want someone i can love like that.

2011-05-27T00:53:00.002+10:00

there is something.
it is something.

2011-05-24T16:16:00.002+10:00

i suppose.. all hearts are a little broken.

2011-05-22T16:37:00.002+10:00

i wont stop for love; you'll have to catch me first.

2011-05-07T05:10:00.002+10:00

i can hear the music of your soul; im so enchanted.

for Romance:

2011-05-04T17:34:00.000+10:00

one sprinkling of Candles.
two shakes of a Cold Night.
four dustings of Starry Sky.
add Music to taste.

stir in two pinches of Nervous Honesty.
mix with a cup of Quiet Smiles.
remove all Unrealistic Promises.
slowly fold in Comfortable Silence.

leave to rest in Patience to
allow any Expectation to surface.
serve warmed in Gentle Laughter
with a small side of Compromise.

2011-05-04T00:37:00.000+10:00

it's constant incidence that she feels
like a tanked Siamese fighting fish
battling her reflection.

2011-04-30T16:58:00.001+10:00

i need you to understand what im not saying to you.

She sat with her leg tucked underneath her and shoulders hunched, listening to the fan whir and shivering slightly. Outside, the sun set and cars passed and somewhere on the main street, moments followed each other like ants busy with living. Her forehead was furrowed like the thoughts inside her head; creased and not necessarily continuous. Memories like photos and Youtube videos ran through her head - buffering, disjointed and repeating.

am i making this harder for myself?

His face, watching her with caring, unfathomable eyes was predominant in her headspace. But she didn't know what he was thinking, nor did he know her thoughts. She didn't know what he was doing now and whether he was thinking of her and really, she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

was she?

Her tea was now lukewarm and she could hear her sister moving things in her room.

perhaps this wasn't worth sharing.

2011-04-30T04:05:00.000+10:00

sometimes i just feel like saying things that dont make sense straight away. i could definitely maybe call This a hobby of mine. it Is not always to be funny - every so often Not saying anything relevant is just refreshing. it's almost like Our minds call for a break in monotony on occasion. occasions like a Fairytale.

maybe it's my fault that this vague feeling is now my foremost thought.

2011-04-24T02:50:00.000+10:00

it's that better feeling
the one when sunset sends you reeling
when it turns out what you're stealing
was yours to take all along

it's like you light your heart on fire
to find it only takes you higher
and you are followed by a choir
that turns your yearnings into song

oh, isnt this everything you want?

2011-04-23T15:25:00.002+10:00

i think, therefore i am..

confused.

2011-04-20T02:48:00.001+10:00

hi robin!

2011-04-19T19:28:00.001+10:00

ignore it. press on.

2011-01-04T01:49:00.000+11:00

Masks of orange powder
Don't crack around her lips
Lines of black getting thicker
Daily
But she can't see them

dear prince charming,

2010-12-14T02:48:00.000+11:00

dont even bother asking. i may seem friendly, but eventually i will find reason to say no. thanks, but no.

2010-11-26T02:56:00.002+11:00

spin a little slower,
i find myself dizzy.
like the world said, "let's make her feel even more busy!"

2010-11-25T03:42:00.002+11:00

im challenged of late to be more honest. rather than allowing my presentation to be compelled by judgment, to simply own up to how i actually am.

here, then, is a taste of undisguised honesty:

im too scared to write anything of substance right now.

2010-11-24T01:12:00.001+11:00

sometimes i dream you've died, and i wake up happy.

if the question is 'are you bitter?' then the answer is yes.

dear prince charming,

2010-11-03T02:23:00.002+11:00

please dont try to kiss me. i promise i will pull away. it's not that your breath smells or that im frightened by how much i love you or even that im afraid you're going to rape me. it's that insisting on paying for dinner doesnt entitle you any special sort of dessert.

2010-10-19T16:10:00.002+11:00

in the search for true beauty, be not afraid to look into the dark. for in amongst the mess, pain and awkwardness - that is where beauty shines brightest. that is where beauty is.

2010-10-14T01:52:00.002+11:00

she's awake, she just doesnt know what to say to you. what should she say to you?

2010-10-11T19:20:00.000+11:00

She stared at the wall, brow furrowed, sitting cross-legged on the bed. The blank light of her laptop monitor threw faint, cold shadows across her cheek as she waited silently. She wasn’t crying tonight. She was thinking.

Text scrolled haltingly up the screen – small, quick movements calling her attention with limited success. She wasn’t there.

-

im terrified.

2010-09-25T02:49:00.001+10:00

This is difficult

Continue is expected

Thanks, I'd rather not.

this one is for Sandra.

2010-05-04T01:03:00.001+10:00

loyal audience. :D

2010-05-02T23:48:00.001+10:00

i do hope to post more often. but is it wrong that i do this in the faint hope that no one will read it? were i to consider the Audience, fear may get the better of me.

2010-05-01T14:32:00.001+10:00

slowly, slowly once again, i find myself not hating love. maybe one day love will come set me free. maybe one day i will let it.

2010-05-01T14:07:00.001+10:00

There aren't going to be any pre-written I Do's at my wedding. I'm going to follow the trend and write my own vows. Before the priest pronounces us man and wife, I'm going to look deep into my husband's eyes, turn confidently to the crowd and say..

Shotgun. For life.

2010-02-18T04:36:00.000+11:00

愛しています、bubby.

2009-03-03T00:20:00.001+11:00

i know there is so much more to be written.
i cant help but turn the page and try to read what isnt yet there.

2008-12-24T04:33:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

i sure felt like a real shopper today with many bags in hand and my eftpos card at the tip of my fingers!

pointed.

2008-12-16T02:31:00.000+11:00

now would be a great time to start caring.

2008-12-15T02:16:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

this year has passed way quickly, and now i have to go christmas shopping. o_0.

2008-12-12T01:23:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

i think im in love with Frank E. Peretti.

.. well maybe not, but i'd like to own all his novels. :D

2008-12-01T01:07:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork.

2008-11-21T02:00:00.002+11:00

dear diary,

i need lots of money in a short amount of time. maybe i should attempt a bank heist. but which bank?

2008-11-17T01:17:00.002+11:00

dear diary,

now should you expect to see something that you hadnt seen in someone you'd known since you were sixteen? if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw? and that doesnt hold nothing together.

suddenly i cant stay in this room. you'll never sway and i have nothing left that i can think of to say. what do you want me to think of my thoughts? bear it in mind that if i cannot believe in me who will i then be? and so i run, but not too far in case you chase me.
but this is how it goes, baby. ill get angry at your words and ill go home, but you wont call after me coz ill be back before you know.

i want to be full.

2008-11-14T22:02:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

i ate lots of chocolate and drove around, fell asleep on the couch and got a headache. not in that order. what should i do now?

2008-11-13T12:30:00.001+11:00

dear diary,

today i took like a million silly photos on photobooth, found out what 'posterity' actually means and got a package in the mail. :D

2008-11-12T22:42:00.001+11:00

lilly, i love you and ill never let you go.. :D

2008-10-26T15:42:00.002+11:00

Jasmine Tern

is going to end up somewhere.
is seeing light years of cold, dark, empty space.
sings along.
is going back to bed.
has noticed her teddy looks worried.
is pressing 'next track'.
had lunch.
leaves to come back.
sits quietly.
left it somewhere.
is hearing violins.
is for once, desiring.
has fallen through.
colours between the lines.
is a facebook status.

2008-10-21T19:59:00.002+11:00

wake me up, lower the fever
walking in a straight line
set me on fire in the evening
everything will be fine

waking up strong in the morning
walking in a straight line
lately im a desperate believer
but walking in a straight line.

2008-10-08T00:32:00.002+11:00

something solid to walk on, something sturdy to grasp,
something steady to lean on, something special to clasp.

2008-10-04T00:19:00.001+10:00

oliver, oliver.. *cue bassoon*

2008-09-09T16:27:00.000+10:00

i want to cry. but there's nothing wrong. :)

2008-09-05T03:49:00.000+10:00

y'know, sometimes i forget. classical music is entertainment, not just expression.

2008-08-18T00:44:00.002+10:00

im shutting my eyes and holding your hand. im straining and im not moving. im not right beside you.

im fighting more, breathing less. i sleep with my eyes open.

this is you and you and i.

the sun isnt going to set. birds will cease to sing, but the wind is at your back. and so am i.

and so it goes.

2008-08-07T16:37:00.000+10:00

why does it all feel so empty?

2008-07-31T02:43:00.002+10:00

ineedyouineedyouineedyouineedyou.. im kinda needy. :P but i dont think anyone understands just how much i need you. the second your arm falls from my shoulder and in the heartbeat i think i can do this alone, im left shivering in the dark, simply moments from falling. breath coated in colours of cold, fire that burns without heat - i cant make sense without you. i have nothing if i dont have you. love,

i need you.

eeee. uni and work and church, oh my! i cant figure it, i feel so busy and perpetually tired. where's it all going? God help me. *insert emo here*

and my throat is scratchy! i cant afford to get sick! can i? im pretty sure im behind already and it's only WEEK THREE. how on earth did it get to week 3. o_0..

2008-07-27T23:44:00.002+10:00

i know that as much as sometimes i may want to, im not going anywhere. i know that even though most times i feel like im drowning, somehow we'll get through this. i know that life makes less sense to me know than before. i know that things dont have to make sense to me to work. i know that despite mistrust, insecurity or lack of faith - you never leave me. and wherever im walking, whatever i do and think and feel.. we're together.

i know you hear me. i know you desire only and simply my health and happiness and best. i know your love is endless and limitless and unconditional. i know that above all failure and injury, in the midst of the strongest winds, the coldest rains, under the most blazing of suns and far beyond all understanding. you prevail. and your fire for me burns brighter and hotter and fiercer with every breath i take and every beat of our hearts.

this i know.

official memo:

2008-07-03T14:55:00.004+10:00

to those that think it's funny to open sugar sticks and put them back into the glass, or draw pictures on the table, or think we want to re-use opened packets, or like to mess around with the salt/pepper/sauces..

if you cant keep your hands still, tell mummy to ask me for colouring.

--

and hi dazz, my faithful reader! :D

2008-06-20T03:05:00.002+10:00

and then the world will leave me alone once again.

i thought i knew, once, what it was. i was wrong.

but i dont care. im with you, and that's all i need to find life. you are life. so whether or not it all makes sense when i open my eyes in the morning or lay my head on my pillow at night - and all that's in between, baby.

you will be what keeps me here. and as far as you'll go with me, ill go with you. ill still go with you.

2008-06-04T01:22:00.002+10:00

are you sure this isnt all a joke on me? because baby, i cant stop smiling.

2008-05-24T02:06:00.003+10:00

let's say it isnt and watch it wilt.

i'd like to know for sure, for once.

2008-05-18T15:57:00.002+10:00

China: my heart goes out to you.

2008-05-12T14:51:00.003+10:00

is this the way you want it? is this the way it has to be? sitting here beside you when my heart's lost in New Orleans..

well ive finally found that life goes on without you, and the world still turns when you're not around. Anberlin.

i cant shake this mistrust.

2008-05-06T00:41:00.003+10:00

baby, when all your love is gone, who will save me from all im up against out in this world?

i feel lucky to have you. you're beautiful, amazing, intricate and lovely - you couldnt do a thing to make me delight further in you. i watch you and i see a shimmer around the edges; a more that i want with everything ive got. i lie awake with you in my arms, and i know i could never find something more precious, more worth treasuring. you are my desire - i want to keep you close, build my love up around you and watch you bloom. i know you're capable. i know it's in you to change the world. your spirit exudes a fragrance that is irresistible, sumptious and somehow profound. i want you to hear me - i dont trifle. i know you're worth any obstacle or struggle or pain; i know that together we will live life as no one has lived - with complete abandonment and passion that rivals the greatest warriors, with a dogged determination to awaken, ignite, breathe, soar. come with me. i want you with me.

i want you with me.

2008-04-26T13:44:00.002+10:00

dave from work:

my hero because, after being told he wasnt allowed to work his rostered shift because it was his fourth public holiday and we only signed to do three, he called up head office - resulting in a $37.50 per hr shift in drinks last night! this is what it looks like to stand up for your rights at work.

2008-04-19T03:28:00.002+10:00

jono,

when's the last time i told you that i think you're amazing?

2008-04-19T01:10:00.003+10:00

a hero i forgot in my last post but now i remember - im sure a lot of you will agree with me:

the (only!) happy guy at Star East

perhaps Star East have an arrangement that means this guy gets the happiness quota for all the rest of the staff? but for whatever reason, this guy is my hero because he is always smiling. the service has been better (minutely) the last couple of times ive been back, but still tends to make me grumpy.. until i go up to pay and this guy is standing there beaming like im his favourite customer in the world. it's effective - makes me wanna leave a tip! not for the restaurant, just for him, haha. and he recognizes me! usually it's depressing being recognized by staff at a restaurant, but this guy was even happy to see me when once we met randomly on the street, and it wasnt just the 'i-want-your-money' type of friendly, haha. so for these reasons, he definitely qualifies as one of my heroes. :D hi happy star east guy!

2008-04-17T01:56:00.003+10:00

my new heroes:

Paul Housden

the lead singer for Foxx on Fire (www.myspace.com/foxxonfire) and a personal acquaintance (i know, im connected) of mine thanks to MUS1100.. he's musical, he sings, he's cute, he keeps in touch with me.. that's enough reason to be my hero!

Charm

how did my little sister get so witty and hilarious? everyone else in our family is just kinda dorky and goofy, but charm manages to be droll and sarcastic - in a very funny way. lol @ charm's words.

Jenny the super trumpet player

i owe jenny (and i guess in part, josh) for completing the theory assignment the other week - she calls me up the day before and has found me someone to do the assignment with, even supplies us with a copy of the piece we're supposed to be analysing! if it werent for her calling me up and making sure i got it done (she even considered adding my name to her group just so i dont fail..!!) i wouldve.. well, not done it. jenny the super friend!

donny pancakes - mr cute waiter

while many of the waiters at pancake parlours state-wide are pretty attractive young men, this guy takes the cake for making my sisters laugh the hardest at how much they think he loves me. you ought to ask charm for the story. also, bindi and monica will know him as 'the hot guy' that we tried to tip. yes, him! guys, he's a P plater! we've got a shot! maybe. oh well. shout out to you, mr waiter - you certainly make our donny trips more interesting!

a few of my old heroes:

Norma Hookey

my favourite adult after my parents - i have way too much fun going along to piano lessons with lil thanks to this lovely lady (much lovelier than the pancake parlour lady, i have to say!) and her crazy antics. hehehe. apparently i cant describe it in words.

my parents

we may not always agree, but can i just say that sometimes my parents can be so incredibly silly? i hope when i get old (haha :P) i have as much as my parents seem to. memories that come to mind include dancing in the kitchen to "gangster music", picking us up from a family friends' house with the phrase "hey we bought a house", surprising charm (who just got back from camp) with a random trip to Yarram (yeah i know.. where??).. and the not-so-silly-but-equally-awesome MSO Pops concert - tickets for which we bought about 3hrs earlier. whoo, spontaneity is the fountain of youth.

uncle ben

uncle ben will always be the same age. the fun age. :D

tune in another day for more of my heroes. i collect them. :)

2008-04-06T16:46:00.002+10:00

my friends say i look better without you..

- Sara Bareilles

i think i know why i like break-up songs so much - i love the re-assertion of independence that break-up songs are often so full of. all these 'im not nothing without you,' 'you cant break me,' 'sorry who are you again?' flicks of the hair that say so clearly that 'im so much stronger than you thought.' because love isnt something you deserve, or at least certainly not something i deserve! love is a gift of grace and acceptance, not a right. when i say i love you, when i really mean that, im allowing you a part of myself. messing around with that, injustice that involves abuse of trust and innocence - that's the sort of behaviour that gives rise in my heart to serious, passionate anger. "yeh you say it sister freend!" - lil

i like that the idea of not being built entirely on one person nor the relationship that i have with them. if im going to give my heart to someone, it's going to have to be someone reliable. perhaps the reason why i take the idea of relationship so seriously is because this is what ill be giving up - not simply freedom as such, but ill be making a gift of my independence, something we work so hard to achieve up until now, haha.

lil: uh uh!

this is a person, crafted in the image of God, standing up and shamelessly declaring to creation, 'what you say and do, even as someone that meant so much to me, does not define me.' as something that ive personally always struggled with - being able to remove my value and worth from others - no wonder i like it when i hear this stuff in music!

2008-04-02T00:49:00.002+11:00

let this be less about thinking, working, failing.. and more about being. about just being.

set your melody to my harmony; this one we can play forever.

pour honey into my soul -

and we dont have to let this go on long. im reaching for something unreachable, but when i spread my arms wide, we can soar as one. we'll traverse the universe and find everything in each other.

TWO HUNDRED.

2008-03-09T00:02:00.004+11:00

i want a man with an unquenchable spirit. with a fire in his soul and a thirst for more, greater, and God. who lives life with a passion in his eyes that is unmistakable, and whose body has an edge on it that hints so clearly of the calling within.
a guy who grabs onto things with both hands, who shares with me vision that makes our eyes set and our stance firm. i want a guy that will hold me on mountaintops or beaches as we watch the sunset, but with conviction that we are called higher and great and further - together. that wants to sweep me off on an adventure, that needs me by his side, that is fierce in his love. one that considers me worth far more than a fight, that desires me always, that is enthralled, captivated and willingly, deliberately captured by who i am.

i want someone who loves like You do.

i seek to be someone that chooses to risk my heart. to be so absolutely given away that my gaze always wanders above and beyond this. and so caught in the moment that it consumes me.

what could make more sense and less sense at the same time? i want to be sold out, surrendered, so taken. why, then, am i not already?

where the sun meets the ocean - that's where i want to be.

..

and this is what i dedicate my coveted 200th post to. the wanderings of my mind, and the desires of my heart. where i find you, God, i will also find myself.

--

ENTER THE DEEPNESS:

lil: so goodbye for a while, i'm off to explore every boundary and every door. i'm going north.

actually, no, thats not lil, thats missy higgins.

missy higgins: so goodbye for a while, i'm off to explore every boundary and every door. i'm going north.

lil: hullo missy higgins! nice to meet you. are you up north? hows the weather?

missy higgins: up where the hunted hide with ease, under the arms of eyeless trees, up where the answers fall like leaves

lil: that doesn't answer my question

missy higgins: yeah you got the wrong girl

lil: DOH

2007-12-11T00:01:00.000+11:00

i passed drinks! whoo, let me make you a coffee. :D

also! i went to the missy concert! much thanks to jono (!!), lil and guang for the good company. and a shout-out to daniel zhang just coz you work there! how random. it was awesome, photos to follow.

im playing in A Christmas Tale! which will be sooo good, cant wait. but desperately needing to get shifts swapped or covered coz ive got upcoming rehearsals and performances that so beautifully clash with my shifts. mm great. o_0..

epic EP is OUT! get your copy in any good bookstore (as long as it's CityLife Church Bookshop) today! worth a listen, i guarantee it.

and....... holidays!

2007-11-24T00:48:00.000+11:00

i have seen the future, and it is..!

okay i havent. that's not even relevant. lil's playing ddr. we're addicted. eyetoy + ddr = ps2 workout?! maybe i can lose some weight and gain some.. tone-ness.

2007-11-15T04:35:00.001+11:00

okay guys, here's the deal:

first of all, im aware that i may have been conspicuously absent from everyone this year, and for that i apologize. i know that i havent been going to church all that much, havent really caught up with most of you all that much, and in general havent really done anything all that much! im seeing a theme here.

anyway! ill get to my point -
i dont know what you guys have been feeling lately, but i havent been able to shake the feeling that we've come into a significant time. and as we've hit holidays, been slapped in the face by what John Bevere has to say, embarked upon a new season in the youth/young adults ministry.. okay whatever. i just feel the need to pray. for you guys.

because there is something powerful over our lives. i just recently have been looking back over the prophecies ive received the last couple of years, and despite fierce opposition, we continue to grow in God. the generation we are (willingly or not) so much a part of is one that cannot help but desire for greater. it is a generation that works for community, that yearns to change the world, that wants to live outside itself, that embraces a full lifestyle that is bigger than party after party and years of nights they cant remember. only just, but there is hope for our generation, and i honestly believe that you guys are an integral part of this. i can only thank God that for some strange reason, He has chosen to allow me to be a part of such a powerhouse of warriors, of young men and women destined to alter eternity - if only they allow God to alter them.

you are specifically purposed for God's plans - now and in the future. but guys! now! i know (though mercifully not entirely) the incredible sacrifices required for a part in God's plan. but far out, this is something we have to do. i dont mean to carry the tone of someone that knows it all - quite obviously i do not. but i cannot shake this. we are meant to play a significant role, and we are meant to play that now. not that i mean to drop uni and become a missionary or whatever rash action you can insert here. you know what God has placed in your heart. start now to up the ante on how you nurture that seed. because we are all called separately.. but yet we're all called together. guys, it's how we work together as the body of Christ that testifies better than anything the love of God - it's by how we love each other that they will see Him in us.

and so i have been praying, and so we should all continue to pray - that as we seek to worship God with our relationships, our conduct, our mindsets, our ideas, our love.. that He would continue to make us ready and a part of His work, because.. wow. this is something undeniable. God will move. and we are meant to be a part of it.